“I don’t give a fuck”

I came out to my eldest brother back in the summer 2015, since then I have been trying to come out to my other brother. I tried few times and failed miserably mainly because I didn’t have the balls. So when I was visiting him back in June for five days (Wed-Sun), I was determined to come out to him. I was nervous and waiting for the “ideal scenario”. For the first four days I had several occasions when I am just with him but I failed miserably.

I was leaving early Sunday morning and on Saturday night my brother and I went out for dinner. I thought this is perfect time to discuss. We got to the restaurant and started going through the menu. I can’t think of anything other than how I should start this conversation. We talked about all kinds of topics and for the second half of the dinner we were just talking to the restaurant owner who happened to be my brother’s friend. When we were done so we decided go for a walk and grab some desserts. Again, I thought this was perfect time to discuss but again I failed. We got to Ben & Jerry’s and got my caramel ice-cream, we set there while finishing the ice-cream but I started making excuses telling myself, it’s little loud with music and people, not the right place. After the ice-cream, we were going to head back but I suggested having a decaf cappuccino with my leftover ice-cream, that way I can find a quiet comfort of Starbucks. We walked there, got our drinks, and sat in the quite corner, within few minutes the barista came over and told us that they were closing, it was nearly 10pm. Disappointed, we walked to the parking lot still unable to utter the words I have been struggling to share for almost a year.

We got to the parking lot and started driving back home, it was only about 15mins drive home. We talked about work, career, life, etc. Sometimes we had long pauses in our conversation when we were just enjoying the beautiful view of the valley and the clear dark sky. But at that moment, I was just nervous as the clock was ticking and we were almost home. I knew that I can’t have this conversation when we get back home since my mom and the whole family were there.

We were just a mile or so away and the words were stuck in my throat. I can barely speak. I was just so nervous and trying hard to find excuses to run away from my task. I can now see his home and within seconds he was already starting to park the car. He finished parking but he was still talking about something that I was too nervous to remember. Right when he was about to start opening the door, the words came out, “Nag gay ray da” (I am gay). To my surprise, he didn’t show a shred of surprise, instead he was smiling a bit and said that our eldest brother mentioned about seeing me and my boyfriend few months ago. Then he said, “I don’t give a fuck, we are still brothers and nothing has changed”. I didn’t know what to say, I just said, “Thanks”. I was little disappointed that it was somewhat anticlimactic. I didn’t know whether I should be mad at my eldest brother for telling him or be grateful for priming our middle brother for this exact occasion.

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